The Crying Tree of Mercury
by Houkanno Yuuhou
Summary: Poor Ami-chan is never truly happy. The song she carries in her heart for someone explains it all.


I haven't written any Sailor Moon in a long time because of first, losing my saved stories on my floppy disks. failing health, other projects, writing a piece for a writing contest, and this site has also been down. But that will change as of now, as soon as I can upload this piece. I don't know why I wrote it. I've been going through similar feelings, and this just came to mind as I was listening to an old Smashing Pumpkins alblum--Machina, the Machines of God. Thus, the song used herein belongs to them. The song is also the title of the story. Of course, Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko-sensei, but as an otaku, you would already know that.

"The Crying Tree Of Mercury"

By Houkanno Yuuhou

I pretend to be reading this exciting article about stem cell research, but it lost my attention long after I began to read. My eyes glance back to it every now and then, and I wonder to myself whom I am trying to kid; them, her, or myself?

You see, it didn't start out this way. She was just a good friend and a great, all right…if somewhat clumsy, leader. I followed her not because it was instilled in my head from a time long since passed from which no one can remember exact details now. No, I followed her because I needed to follow her, because it felt like the right thing to do. She was sunshine and excitement in my uncomplicated life. She was a welcome mess to my otherwise organized world.

She reminded me that there was a life outside of books, and for that, I am thankful.

I was happy in my role as friend. It was good enough to just be in her presence every day, either helping her with homework or fighting beside her. 

It has become insufficient now. 

No, I didn't wake up one morning from a mesmerizing dream, as you may well suspect. It grew over time. First, it was simple things that sent my heart pounding…like the way her hair swished in the wind or the way she politely giggled at my dull jokes. And we all grew closer, so it wasn't just me. The older we became, the more each one of us became enthralled with her. 

Then one day, during a study session, I was sitting next to her, and I noticed the soft rose aroma of her perfume as she leaned against me. That, and the fact that she was pressing her bosom into my lap sent blood running to my cheeks. And after a couple of minutes with us sitting in that position, I began to feel it.

I was so ashamed and so scared that I ran from the room, even without excusing myself. 

I remember looking at myself in Rei's vanity mirror, and I guess I was trying to see if there was some sort of noticeable change in myself. There wasn't, but I could still feel it…the heat between my legs, making me feel as weak and as helpless as a baby. My heart was still pumping wildly, and no matter what I tried to do, I could not control it. I have never been unable to control something, never in my life. After a while, I realized they'd come looking for me, so I took a couple of deep breaths and regained some composure before I entered the living room again. 

As my eyes panned around the room, I noticed that the others were engrossed in their textbooks…except for her.

Her curious eyes searched mine. "Are you feeling alright, Ami?" 

I smiled the biggest, falsest grin I could muster and nodded. "As right as rain." Then I tried to draw attention away from me and back to work. "Why aren't you studying our French assignment?"

She stared at me for a full minute before she burst out laughing. "Because French is so boring, and besides," she said, grinning, "I already know the language of love." 

A painful lump caught in my throat, and I swallowed hard to push it down. I couldn't help but wonder if that was a come-hither retort or if I was just taking it the wrong way.

Before I could reply, Rei and Minako were already attacking Usagi over her choice of words. 

"What do you mean, you already know the language of love?" Rei, ever the motherly Senshi, asked.

Minako squealed in delight. "So you and Mamoru…you've already…?"

Usagi looked at the both of them and shook her head. "No. The both of you are just terrible!" She smiled a very small, alluring smile and blinked bashfully. "Well, Mamo-chan and I have had fun, but he's not ready for that sort of relationship yet."

Then Makoto added her two cents. "Oh? And you are?"

It stayed like that for a while, and I admit that it was amusing to watch Usagi dodge their questions. Only I knew the truth because she had entrusted me with her secret. On the outside, I was happy…yet professional, as she expected me to be, but on the inside, I was seething with jealousy and hatred for what Mamoru so callously called his own.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. I could never be hers. Mamoru and Usagi have already been written in the stars. But we can't choose whom we love, now can we?

I have loved others, but they have been passing infatuations. Merely for competitive reasons. It's nigh-impossible to find someone with which to compete on your level. But I love Usagi in a different way. I love her because she makes me feel alive.

I would rip myself open and bleed into her soul, just to expose my feelings to her. Everything I do, I do for her. If she asked me to cut out my heart, I would gladly do so, just to please. 

As I watch her playing volleyball in her own klutzy way with the others, I wonder if she'll ever know. It pains me to keep the secret, but I know that it will pain me more if she were to cast me away. I can't allow that. I've suffered loneliness my whole life, and it would just be too much for me to handle.

But a sudden surprise hits me as the ball flies my way, and she rushes after to get it, lowering her body into a sliding position, and soon, we are entangled in each other's arms. 

She looks up. "Heh, sorry, Ami-chan."

I can't even look at her. The heat is burning in places that I'd rather not think about. "Uh huh."

She grabs the ball and pulls herself up into a sitting position, with the ball resting provocatively between her long legs. I push down another lump in my throat. "Are you okay, Ami? You've been acting funny lately."

I force myself to smile. "Yes, I'm quite fine. I'm just lost in thought." A half-truth, as it is.

She stands, and just as I think she's going back to the game, she throws Minako the ball, pulls me to my feet, and yells to the others, "Go ahead and play. Ami and I need to talk."

We walk in silence for what seems like forever until she stops on a sandy plateau that looks out onto the sea. The sun is setting, and it's all so beautiful that I feel myself being pulled into the moment. Before I can stop myself, I'm kissing her. It's short and sweet, but it feels so…feels so warming, like it's awakening what had long ago turned numb inside me. And my heart races so much because…god! She tastes like sweet cherries and vanilla!

As soon as it begins, the kiss ends, and my lips draw into a small pout. They yearn for something that they can no longer have and probably shouldn't have had in the first place, if they had not had a mind of their own.

She opens her eyes, and this close, I can see the little silver flecks in the deep blue that gives them such a bright, glittery shine. "I knew as much."

She did? "What?"

She sighs, and I can't tell if it's from disgust or regret. "Ami, I consider you a really good friend, but I can't love you that way." It was neither. It was just something like bitter sadness that escaped her mouth. And then the pain hits me, sending my emotions in a merciless tailspin and leaving my heart to throb and ache. She reaches out to me with one slender hand, and I draw back. "Ami…I--"

"No!" I protest, though rather unwillingly. I can't help it; my body has taken control. "You are not sorry, so don't apologize!" I scream at her. There is so much hurt in her beautiful eyes now, I bite the left corner of my lower lip until it bleeds, trying in vain to ignore her. 

She comes toward me again, arms ready to wrap around me, and that would be so inviting if I didn't suspect it is out of pure pity. "Oh, Ami."

This time I shove at her, anger coursing through me. "So I am selfish. So what? Is it selfish to love you? Is it so selfish to want you for myself?" She starts to say something, but she hesitates, and really, that's all right, because I run anyway before she gets a chance to gather her thoughts.

I run far away from all of them. As far as I can push myself to go. I know they were calling after me, but it's all useless, very much so. I'm a grown girl. I don't need their comfort and support. It's all lies anyway. More fables fed to little Ami because Ami is sweet and innocent and doesn't know how to take failure or rejection. And I am so sick of it. All of it.

My legs carry me into the water, and it's wonderful to feel the coarse sand wash away. I wish it would wash away my guilt, my frustration, and my hope, but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, right? 

As I watch the sun sink below the horizon, I have come to the conclusion that I just cannot stop loving her. It's not that easy. How do you erase that face from your mind? Even if I plucked all feeling from my heart, the essence would still remain. I will never remove it. No, I will carry my love for her forever.

Soon it is night, and the crisp winds beat at my skin carelessly. The thought does cross my mind that they have left me to myself here. Perhaps I deserve it. Such a brazen act of selfishness deserves swift punishment, I suppose. I was firm in my actions earlier, but now…I just wish to go back to before the moment I made my judgment slipped beyond it's normal, sane boundaries. Tears form in my eyes and slip silently off my cheeks. I have lost their trust. More importantly, I have lost hers.

It doesn't matter now. Even if she ignores me, my heart will still carry this song. And many days will dawn and many dusks will fall…but the song will still remain. I can feel it inside me. It is strength, it is salvation, it is love.

Suddenly, I hear voices cutting through the night, calling for me. I knew they hadn't truly left me here; just long enough to come to my senses. That's all right, too. I expected as much. 

After all, I wouldn't be the same Ami, now would I? 

Through all the tears, through all the noise, no matter how many years pass, Usagi-chan, I cannot deny it. This love is a part of me. Lie if you will, but you know it is there. And I refuse to give it up.

Can you hear the song I have for you in my heart? Can you deny the passion there was in the kiss we shared? Can you forget the bitter regret in your voice? I am still here, Usa….

I am singing out to you. 

Hope you liked it. That brief story took a piece of me, so I hope that you get something from it. And here are the lyrics to the song. 

This is the song I've been singing my whole life   
I've been waiting like a knife   
To cut open your heart   
And bleed my soul into you   
I did it all for you   
You and you and you and you   
  
This is the sound I've been making my whole life   
I've been waiting for this night   
To clear up all the talk   
Although I'm selfish to a fault   
Is it selfish it's you I want?   
You I did it all for you   
  
This love will stand as long as you   
There's really no excuse   
I did it all for you   
  
These are the tears I've been crying my whole life   
Like an ocean of desire   
I'm reaching through the noise   
Across the dusk of time   
Within the lilting lies   
I am singing out to you   



End file.
